OBSESSIONS

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Like a lot of people, I am prone to obsession. I always have been, and I always will be. Past fixations have included dinosaurs, cucumber with mashed potato, typewriters, looking up at the ceiling four times upon entering a room (oops) and watching every single video of Bjork on youtube (I think I actually succeeded). When I was a tweenager I had a pretty arbitrary selection of favourite DVDs, each of which I would watch at least once a week, much to the concern of my mother, who probably couldn’t understand how she’d raised a boy who liked nothing better than recreating scenes from the remake of Stepford Wives and could quote along to the whole of Notes on a Scandal. Incidentally, I once had an English teacher who looked exactly like Cate Blanchett, so she probably thought a student/teacher affair was on the cards. Combine all this with two very noticeable facial ticks (a left eye wink and a kind of extreme one-sided grimace), and I must have seemed like a fairly unstable kid. I’d like to think that my awkward childhood was indication of a future genius, but then I realise that I can’t remember how to do long division and I spend most of my time walking into things.

Right now, I have several obsessions, which I thought I’d list here. Because, awesome! The first one is drag queens, but I’ve already posted way too much about that, so I’ll offer some alternatives.

1. GREEN SMOOTHIES

In truly irritating Gwenyth Paltrow style (a woman most accurately described as a ‘hollowed-out avocado husk’ by Bullett) I now wake up to a glassful of spinach, banana, flaxseed, coconut water and carrot.

Now that my shopping basket is a veritable cornucopia of green leaves, nuts, seeds, fruits and vegetables, my regular trip to Tesco feels exactly like this:

2. LE ROCHE POSAY: EFFACLAR DUO

£13 at Boots

It just clears you skin. It just clears it. Without Parabens. Without nasty chemical fragrances. Without grease.

Well, that’s the opinion of numerous bloggers and beauty critics, so naturally I’ve absorbed the facts which they regurgitate and taken on their views as my own. Luckily, though, it seems to be working so far, and I just can’t resist the lure that sophisticated little tube anyway.

3. MANUKA HONEY HAIR CARE

Available at Holland and Barrett

I used to scoff at beauty trends and celebrity-endorsed vegan/organic products, but now I find myself totally sold on every single one. Dr. Organic’s Manuka Honey shampoo smells so good that it makes your shower feel like a tropical monsoon in a rose garden (where all the roses happen to smell like honey).

4. TINNED TUNA

Get it with spring water, because oil is fatty, and, like, ew, you obese slob

It’s cheap, it’s versatile, it looks flaky, grey and slimy but it’s delicious. Serve in a salad with avocado, cucumber and coriander and you’re sorted. Chase with mouthwash and perfume so that you don’t smell like a dead fish for the following few hours.

5. HOUSE OF CARDS

Nobody can resist a sociopathic protagonist in the pursuit of power — just ask Mr Ripley and Richard III. Frank Underwood is no exception, and his ruthless, Machiavellian path towards the top seat in the White House is televisual gold dust. Throw in the unfaltering poise of Robin Wright playing his wife and Kate Mara as a terrifyingly determined journalist with a daddy complex and you’ve got yourself quiiiiite a show.

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